my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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