OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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