just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
