I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
