That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
COCAINE IS GR8
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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