____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
