don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
smell my finger.
worst night to have a conscience
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
