if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
