im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
