I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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