I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
