I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
