Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She told me I should be a condom model.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
