i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
