in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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