just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
