I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
