I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
