so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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