I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
