I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
