i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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