i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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