Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm too high and old for this...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
