I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize