not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
