The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
