so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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