He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
