Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
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