He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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