dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Can you repeat that, but with context?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
