he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
