i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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