I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
