I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
