my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
