You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
