Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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