So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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