I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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