All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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