I'm pants shitting drunk right now
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
