Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
