if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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