I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
