He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
