I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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