You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
