I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
