The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
